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Why The Next President Needs a Divorce/Family Law Attorney in the White House, and Why I Want the Job

With the Republican National Convention of 2016 now history and the Democratic National Convention well underway, I was reminded of John F. Kennedy’s famous inaugural speech where he stated, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.”
Before I get to my point, as a footnote, the origins of this quote, a paraphrasing of same has been attributed to:
● Cicero- an ancient Roman orator
● Oliver Wendell Homes in an 1884 Memorial Day speech
● Warren Harding at the 1916 Republican National Convention, and
● Khalil Gibran, a Lebanese poet, who later resided in Boston
So, just another footnote, Melania Trump’s speechwriter is following a time honored tradition!
Okay, so back to my point, with JFK’s words (and those before him) in mind, and with no particular political agenda- I stay as far away from opinions on that topic as possible since I want to remain friends with all of my friends- I thought, what could I, as a family law attorney, do to assist either candidate for president if he/she were elected.
After careful contemplation and a little research, I had an epiphany…..ready?
WHITE HOUSE FAMILY LAW ATTORNEY!!!
Now, based on the history of both candidates in the marital realm, this seems like a job that needs to be filled. Here are the highlights of how I could serve either candidate that is elected.
JOB DESCRIPTION: In (White) house counsel
CANDIDATE: Donald J. Trump
So, with a prospective president who has had three wives and two divorces, it seems that Mr. Trump could use a daily family law advisor. I mean, after all, he would be busy building walls and saying what hereto fore we called “politically incorrect things.” So he might not have enough time to devote sufficient attention to his personal home front. Although I am sure that Mr. Trump has an iron-clad prenuptial in place (reportedly, Ivana Trump’s prenuptial yielded a cool $25 million.. in 1990s dollars) if the potential president still feels he has to trade up, even though, undoubtedly he’d have the hottest First Lady to ever occupy that White House, there are still some loose ends in a presidential divorce, such as:
● Who gets to keep the (White) house
● Does the divorce get filed in New York or Washington, D.C. (under Florida law, one of the parties has to live in the state for at least 6 months preceding the divorce)
● If Melania picks the Presidential china, does she get to keep it in a divorce
● What time sharing schedule goes into place for their son when Dad is busy fulfilling all those campaign promises he made to the nation
● Can Melania relocate with their son if she wants to leave D.C.
● How much do we, the taxpayers, have to shell out for an ex spouse’s Secret Service protection (and where do I get a pair of those Ray Bans)

Now, on the other side, should Hillary Clinton win the highest position in the country, Madam President could also benefit from in White House family law counsel. These are a few, of the examples, where my services might be needed:
● Is it politically correct to get divorced while one is president of the United States. After all, if she’s won the election, does she still have to keep Bill around. I mean, I can’t think of another reason she’s done so all these years. (hey, Bill’s VP did that after leaving office- who’d have thought that would happen to Al and Tipper-and I wonder who got the internet invention royalties on that one)
● If Bill Clinton picks out the White House china, can he keep it. And come to think about it, why can’t Hillary use the china she picked out in 1993 and save us a few bucks?
● Is it an appropriate use of federal manpower (or womanpower, as the case may be) and taxpayer dollars to have the CIA, FBI or any other federal agency track and report Bill’s “activities”. After all Hillary will be too busy sorting emails
● Helping the President select referrals to appropriate therapists to grapple with the question of how she could stay married to someone who cheated on her and then lied on the world’s stage. (Oh, but we are a forgiving nation)
● Who keeps the house…I mean Bill had it first, after all
● Who gets custody of Chelsea-oh, I forgot, she’s grown up. But had she not it might have gone something like… “No, you keep her.”
● Who gets custody of the emails and private email server

So, no matter which way the election turns out, I see a future opportunity for the President to use my skills and give me a job in the new administration.
Of course, hopefully you realize this is all in jest. And come November, someone will be elected. Let’s remember what made this country great… differences of opinion, but acknowledgment that we all have to work together. One nation, under G-d, indivisible with liberty and justice for all. I am thankful every day that I live in a country where I can write this and not end up in jail, or worse. Let’s all be thankful for that freedom.
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